what is this I don't even

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what is this I don't even




No, seriously, I don't know what I just wrote.

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Once upon a time there was a princess named Tommy. Her name was short for Thomasina, because her parents had grown up in the sixties watching really awful Disney movies. They decided that their little girl, when she was born, looked awfully like a small grey kitten, except for the fact that she looked nothing like a kitten at all. Nevertheless, they decided the name Thomasina was a wonderful name for their daughter, so that was the name they bestowed upon her.

Tommy was not a tomboy. She was not a girly-girl. Rather, she wanted to disown her princess past and become a unicorn. Growing up and having to tell people that she was named after a cat was no easy task, you see; by the time her peers had stopped laughing at her, she had decided she was not a real human. Real humans were not named for fictional cats. Real humans connected with one another. Tommy had no affinity for her peers, and wanted to be as free as the unicorns that roamed her imagination. Never mind the fact that unicorns still didn't exist (it would take at least another two thousand years for scientists to learn how to genetically crossbreed rhinoceri with horses, causing the "unicorn effect" as they would term it), she still wanted to be a unicorn. She didn't know how to go about this, though, so she improvised. She wore a cardboard party hat on her head at an angle and attempted to dye her hair pink using a variety of highlighters. When the highlighters didn't stay in (and when her parents, the King and Queen of Prioria) had reprimanded her severely, she decided to use Sharpies. When her parents further punished her, she found a box of hair dye from her mother's partying days in the sixties and dumped it all on her head, then ran away to frolic through fields of tall grass and bell-shaped flowers. She was only fourteen years old at the time.

Tommy became a master of camoflauge, learning how to hide from the search teams the Palace sent out. After six months, they gave up. By this time, she had evolved into some version of a woodland faerie; her clothes hung in tatters, almost glamour-bohemian-chic without this being her intention; bare feet painted with the mud of the damp forest floor; her hair no longer stayed in any recognisable form but was now matted, a lion's mane from a very small girl. She didn't really care. She danced around and ate tiny red berries her father had taught her would provide suitable sustinance, walking fairly aimlessly in search of a unicorn to be her friend. The forest provided her with great comfort; it never allowed her to feel too cold, nor did it scorch her with heat. At night, the wind came and wrapped her in blankets of dead leaves. In short, Tommy was happy to find somewhere she could be totally free, unrestrained from palace rules and social constructions. Here, she could be a unicorn in spirit, even if she lacked the proper necessities.

Tommy had many adventures while cavorting around her beloved forest. For example, one day, she met a frog. It was no ordinary frog, though; it was as big as a bear, and it was astonishingly purple. Stars glittered from its eyes, almost shining. The frog lived in a cavern in these woods, about fifty miles from the Palace; the guards had never thought to check this locale. Tommy had tried to be friendly to the frog -- "halloa!" she shouted, her voice echoing back from leaves, "I am Princess Tommy, set out to become a unicorn! Can you help me on my quest, my dear?" -- but the frog had made no reply. On the contrary, it tried to eat Tommy. Her long pink tongue, a macabre version of a celebrity's red carpet, darted out in anticipation, trying to get Tommy to walk the length. Yet Tommy was too quick for the frog; like a manic squirrel, she ran away, singing, "Thank you, my froggy friend! I needed the exercise!" The frog could not move from its cavern -- too obese from eating so many other children who wanted to be unicorns -- so it sat and sulked.

In a town thirty miles away, a warrant for Tommy's return still stood. Whoever managed to find Tommy would receive the reward of a lifetime: he would win Tommy's hand in marriage for her eighteenth birthday, as well as a substantial fortune. A little lad called Jerome heard of this prize, and decided to try for it. Jerome wasn't actually so little, he was closer to six feet tall and seventeen years old, but he'd always liked the sound of Tommy, the rebel princess. Granted, he wasn't quite so interested in the whole unicorn aspect, but he figured it was worth a shot. After all, he knew how to think like a fourteen-year-old; he had three younger sisters, triplets, who were sixteen years old, giggling, irritating girls, too. He'd been through it all already, and figured that if anyone could find the correct mindset, he could. Jerome's father warned him against bandits as he set out on horseback; his mother warned him about his perpetual springtime allergies; his sisters (Charlotte, Emily, and Anne) warned him that if he fell in love with the unicorn girl, they'd immortalise him in an epic poem entitled, "To Jerome, our Ninny of a Brother." He ignored these threats and set about riding, wondering if he would ever find Tommy.

Indeed he did find Tommy -- let's face it, would we have a story if he didn't? -- sleeping under some dead leaves in the middle of the night. With her eyes closed, she looked almost like a normal human being. She was quite pretty, even though she looked a wreck for her forest excursions. Oddly enough she still smelled sweet, like rose petals instead of muck and sweat. He wondered how she had achieved this. Jerome leapt down from his horse and began to watch her sleep, trying hard not to wake her. However, he was unsuccessful in his attempt, for Tommy leapt up in fright, still half-asleep.

"Holy things that are holy!" she cried, the first words she had spoken to a human in nearly a year. "Who are you? How did you find me?"

"I have intuition," Jerome replied, smiling slightly. "I have three sisters and they're all bizarrely madly imaginative. I figured I could think like a fourteen-year-old girl."

"You can never," Tommy said, underscoring the words, "think like me." Her eyes became blazing suns, which Jerome did not find attractive at all. She continued: "I am my own person, and I want to be a unicorn. I am a unicorn, in fact, so if you'd stop following me, you know, I'd really quite appreciate it."

"Says you, my dear, but half the kingdom is looking for you," Jerome said gently, putting his hand on her shoulder. She was less girl, more ice sculpture, judging by the temperature of her skin; still she flinched and refused to be held. "I'm not really in this for the reward. I wanted to see that you were okay." She could not say anything in response.

The woodland birds began to sing their morning chorus before she said, "Are you sure about that?"

"Absolutely," although Jerome was trying to convince himself of his own sincerity. He would need a wife soon, within the next few years, otherwise he'd be stuck being a carpenter/barber just like his father. He wanted to be a lumberjack, really, but he needed a girlie by his side in order to accomplish this feat. Tommy seemed to be this girl. He could destroy her forest while she pranced around it. It was a perfect match in his mind.

"Prove it" was her only command.

Jerome took out a Polaroid camera, one of the last surviving ones, from his bag. "This is the only way I'll ever be able to get photographic evidence of you, my love." Tommy pointed out that he hardly knew her so he couldn't refer to her as love, but Jerome refused to listen. Instead, he took a picture of bleary-eyed Tommy, and then ripped up the film. "That was my last shot. So it's not like I'll be able to prove I found you to your parents."

Tommy took one look at the camera but refused to acquiese. "Tell me, what is the reward for finding me?"

"Your hand in marriage once you become of age." Oh, he had just given himself away, hadn't he?

"Well," she said slowly, as if thinking over his offer, "I don't know. Tell you what, why don't we go for a walk?"

Jerome interpreted this statement as, "Let's discuss our future wedding plans." Eagerly, he agreed, thinking of his future as a lumberjack, with his wife/pet unicorn by his side. Oh, how he'd love to cut down this forest and replant it -- what things he could make! He could export all the wood to British Columbia once they had run out of trees to chop! He could make a thousand fires and use those fires to set off ten thousand fireworks in order to celebrate his marriage! What a wonderous sight that would be!

Unfortunately, he did not realise where Tommy the elfin waif was leading him. They stopped by a magnificent cavern, almost purple inside, it was so dark. "I come here to sleep at times," she said, tracing her foot in the ground. For once she looked almost shy. "It's almost like a little home to me. Why don't you go inside and see?"

Jerome stepped in, waking the frog. With a swoop and a gobble, Jerome, the selfishly motivated rescuer, was gone, and the frog burped contentedly, turning into a fairy. "Congratulations, Tommy! You have fulfilled my quota of one selfish jerk a year! You receive a wish in return. Anything you'd like to wish for?"

Surely by now, dear reader, you know what Tommy would wish for. These days, there is a unicorn who occasionally stops outside the palace; everybody knows who it is. Tommy's parents wept the first time they saw her new form; her peers stared in astonishment; Jerome wept from the belly of the frog-fairy. And Tommy the girl-unicorn, for the first time in her life, was truly happy in the purest form. She frolicked everywhere for the rest of her life, tossing her pink mane across her shoulders, all the time aware of the horn upon her head. Tommy didn't care what the others thought. She was finally free to be herself.
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strangerthanfiction
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what is this I don't even :: Comments

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Post on Mon Sep 20, 2010 6:22 pm by AgentW

I'm 12 and what is this

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Post on Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:05 pm by J-Mads

tc:guif

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Post on Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:48 pm by The Prez

What the hell was that? I feel like I entered a twilight zone.

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Post on Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:55 pm by AgentW

J-Mads wrote:tc:guif
disregard females

acquire currency

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Post on Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:36 pm by J-Mads

Word!

But really that means 'too confusing; gave up in frustration'

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Post on Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:00 pm by strangerthanfiction

But you see, this IS me disregarding females and acquiring currency.

Originally written on Facebook but I haven't posted it there, mainly because I have no idea what sort of reaction I'll receive if I do. It was fairly fun to write, and the moral of the story remains, as always:

Never fall in love with a girl who wants to be a unicorn. You don't know what kind of stuff you'll be wading into at that point.

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Post on Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:00 pm by AgentW

I want to be a unicorn. Sad

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Post on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:25 pm by strangerthanfiction

So do I! Why can't we just be unicorns together?

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Post on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:53 pm by J-Mads

Because you touch yourself at night!

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Post on Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:06 pm by The Prez

Unicorns... Or is it really... Freud, cough, cough

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Post on Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:40 pm by J-Mads

COCK

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Post on Thu Sep 23, 2010 12:02 pm by strangerthanfiction

Thanks, Drew, I'd totally forgotten about your Freudian connotations with unicorns. Why can't you read anything on a literal level, like the fact that this girl just wants to be a unicorn? Or that I want to be a unicorn? I'm allowed to be literal once in a while, especially after reading through Paradise Lost in a night Razz

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Post on Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:04 pm by AgentW

You know, this has reminded me of the cold war unicorns.

and there's a poster in a hall at UB that has Robocop riding a unicorn.

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Post on Sat Sep 25, 2010 7:25 pm by strangerthanfiction

COLD WAR UNICORNS THAT WERE THE BEST THINGS EVER!

Might I ask about the Robocop poster? Like, how and why?

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Post on Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:26 pm by AgentW

I will take a picture tomorrow. I don't think I can accurately describe its holiness. And I can't say why it's there either.

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